I am the Mother of Two Miracles

So we heard the best four words on the planet this morning: Your baby is healthy!

8 years ago I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder where your own body destroys your thyroid. That combined with other endocrine issues I have faced makes it really a miracle that we were able to conceive James and baby Brendan. My thyroid problem has reared its ugly head during this pregnancy, causing some major worry for our family.

As some of you know we have had an extremely difficult last 3 weeks waiting on news about our new baby boy Brendan. I had some blood test results that prompted my OBGYN to refer me to an endocrinologist who performed more tests, including a serum antibody test. Those results came back prompting him in turn to refer me to yet another specialist after discovering that my antibodies are passing at a high rate across the placenta and could do so much harm to Brendan. It was very serious stuff. We were told some things that were unimaginable, things I can't even bear to type out here.

I do not think I can really tell you how this felt, but I will try. I know any mother who has waited for news like we have waited on has probably felt the same way. I felt like I was walking around in a fog, like this could not really be happening. I prayed repeatedly anywhere and all the time for a healthy baby. I rationalized with myself that the doctors were just covering themselves, telling me every last horrible detail to protect themselves from liability. I told everyone I felt too good for something to be so wrong. I talked to God in the shower and while driving the car or while waiting in line. I told God that I knew I might be asking for something he would not give me. I told God that I would love and accept whatever baby he could give me, but to please just let me know him. I prayed that if something were wrong that the world would be kind to my boy and love him like I do. I even ran this crazy notion through my head of detaching myself from this tiny little person kicking away beneath my ribs, in case something went wrong. Like somehow it would protect my heart. Ridiculous! I tried to put the whole thing out of my mind, pushing away the thoughts that would crop up but to no avail. I felt numb. I folded and refolded tiny clothes and socks willing my baby to make it long enough to wear them. I counted kicks obsessively, growing worried if I did not feel the familiar bumps and turns within me. I hated myself for allowing my mind to go to these dark places of imagining the worst case, thinking that if I had more faith these thoughts would not even cross my mind. I spent time wondering how mothers go on if their children die or how children go on if their mothers die. I got up, went to work, cooked meals, bought groceries, planted flowers, laughed with friends and continued to mother James, thankful for the distraction. I felt stabbing guilt if any time went by where I had forgotten temporarily, if I was having fun, like I had for a moment given up this silent internal vigil for my child. Sometimes, many times, I excused myself to cry alone in the bathroom. I laid awake at night willing myself to sleep and yearning for some peace in my heart. I asked for strength, courage and perseverance. I leaned on those I love, but kept most of my fears deep inside hoping if I did not reveal all of them they could not possibly come true. I faked my life for the last three weeks, routinely going through the motions, sometimes having to literally remind myself to take a breath because I had been holding my breath so long. But now I can stop all of that because today a doctor told me my son is healthy!

PRAISE GOD! Today, in his office on the first level of Harris Hospital, Dr. Tabor, a high-risk OBGYN gave us the good news while looking at high resolution images of our peanut.......everything with Brendan is ok! Better than ok! It is a miracle! How many can He bestow on me when I am so undeserving? Yes, an honest to goodness miracle with a perfect heart with four perfect thumping chambers growing in me, despite me. A baby that has escaped the dangers of my own body while growing right there as part of my body! He is healthy from his head to the tip of his toes. No organ damage, no goiter, no fetal bone growth problems, no heart issues, no malformations of any kind. No reason to think he won't come through delivery like a champ! No need to take blood samples from the umbilical vein! No need for a team of doctors or a waiting NICU. Just a healthy baby and nothing more. He is perfect! And big! Already over 5 pounds! He has escaped the risks of my auto-immune disease and problems if any, will be minimal. I took a deep breath for the first time in weeks today. And I am taking the advice of my doctor who finally gave me permission to stop worrying. Now I will. And I will start living again, not on auto-pilot, but for real, and for my boys. But I will not stop praying. This time it will be for all the waiting mothers who did not get this news today.